Filed under: College, Flash Fiction | Tags: Calculus, class, college, failure, flash fiction, nonfiction, ridiculousness, stupidity, the Doctor
It was an ordinary morning for Katherine. She paced across Mendel Lawn, the sky spit rain, and her calves ached with their usual shin-splint intensity. The church tolled 9 o’clock, so she quickened her pace and entered John Barry Hall.
As she entered her classroom on the second floor, the Doctor was in, and everything seemed rather normal. Students looked pissed, the moan and groan of morning all over their face, and the Doctor looked like herself- a cross between Ms. Frizzle and Mr. Magoo. Nothing out of the ordinary to report.
Katherine didn’t even think twice when, after starting her lecture, the Doctor left the room abruptly, as if she had lost something.
It wasn’t until a few minutes after the Doctor came back and resumed class that Katherine noticed something: the Doctor was writing with a new marker. It had dark green ink. It was easy to read. But after a minute or so of being on the whiteboard, it started to fade, just slightly. That’s bizarre, she thought.
She cranned her neck to get a better view of the Doctor; she realized that the marker the Doctor was writing with was not a dry-erase marker. It was a magic marker.
The Doctor continued class, getting increasingly flustered every time she tried to erase what she had wrote. By the end of class, the magic marker had visibly stained the board, and the Doctor seemed rather perplexed as to why. As usual, she hightailed it out of the room as soon as she dismissed the students, checking her BlackBerry like a ditz, undoubtedly wondering how the hell she could gain a tenured position at the University if she couldn’t even distinguish between markers.
Filed under: College | Tags: breakfast, Calculus, college, Exams, failure, happiness, perks of college, Villanova
Last night I stayed up, worrying about my impending calculus exam. Functions, easy stuff, stuff i should remember from afternoons with Dave Delong. Stuff I am definitely rusty on.
Miriam, my professor, is a complete and total bonehead. A friend described her as the Michael Scott of the calculus department… No one knows how she got her job. Allegedly, she has been teaching here for 26 years. Granted, she could’ve fooled me, but this inefficient/ineffective manner of teaching certainly had me worried: is there any way I am going to pass this test?
My morning started horribly. I was exhausted from staying up so late, my congestion had taken hold of my body (again), and I just couldn’t get my act together. As I started walking toward class, my shins started throbbing. (side note: how does one deal with shin splints!?!?) As my toes crinkled in pain, I moped my way to my 8:30 calculus class, thinking about how gracefully I would set sail to fail.
I was two or three minutes late. Miriam was no where to be seen, and our graduate student corrector was there to administer the exam. (side note: Miriam totally gives more exams so she has more days off.) The test had JUST been passed out.
I grabbed a copy off her desk, slid into a seat, and leafed through the packet.
Size is misleading. There were only five questions.
I knew the answers to all of them.
Seven minutes later, I stood up and walked over to the grad student.
“is this really only five questions?”
“yup,” she replied.
I handed her my exam, grabbed my stuff, and walked out the door.
I had forty more minutes to do whatever I wanted, on a Friday morning. I also had a 100 under my belt as a significant part of my calculus grade. I didn’t fail- I passed with flying colors.
Perk of college #6- stupid teachers mean easy A’s.
Filed under: Rants & Ridiculousness, Uncategorized | Tags: break-up letter, failure, iTunes, letters, music
Dear iTunes,
I don’t know how to put this, but… it’s not me: It is you. All you.
I hate you, you sordid, colorless, oppressive piece of shit. You organize my music in the most confusing ways. One minute you know where my file is, and the next you’ve lost it. Do you have Alzheimers???
Every time I get used to your convoluted madness, you change on me. You make me download another, seemingly identical version of you. But, KAPOW! You’re throwing punches and features and all this shit at me. It reminds me of toddlers hurling diapers at fans and laughing at the angry, innocent dog. I wish you were more consistent, and held up your end of the bargain.
iTunes, you never make things easy. I sit at my computer screen and scream and holler at you. Where is the “add playlist” button? Of course, it’s not in the spot it changed before. Where is the Genius Sidebar? Could you help me locate it, again? What in God’s name is Ping? Why in the world does it want my photograph? iTunes, let’s keep it together. This is about music, not my beauty!
Be a friend, iTunes. Can you help me? Can I redownload my overpriced purchased music from five years ago that I lost while moving data between computers? Oh, not without sending Apple an email, calling the wrong number, or sifting through Biblically proportioned online support manuals. Where is the simplicity in that?
iTunes, I don’t know what you want from me. You test my patience. You screw up my library. You wreak havoc on my computer and on my sanity.
Please, please, go jump off a bridge. I cannot put up with your shenanigans any more.
I’m breaking up with you.
Sincerely,
Katie Mac
Filed under: Rants & Ridiculousness | Tags: being in the way, failure, fat people, frustration, life, obstruction, Rant, Walmart
I have only one question: What is wrong with you?
Caution- keep clear!
This is a letter to people who walk into a store, take about three steps, and suddenly, stop. Right in the middle of the entrance.
Really- what is wrong with you?
By all means, please stop right in front of me and every other idiot tourist trying to make their way into Walmart. Please, begin a cluster fuck. The store is only sixty-five acres. It’s not as if you can’t pick your nose, or fumble with your wallet, or just make that dumb looking face elsewhere in the store. There is practically no room to turn around, let alone slip out a walkin’ fart. Walmart is terrifyingly small, isn’t it?
You ARE a dickhead!
You, you pain in the ass, you. Stop in the doorway one more time. Puh-LEASE stop in front of me right in the door. One of these days, I am gonna go Bruce Lee on your ass, complete with roundhouse kicks and maybe some karate chops. By all means, though, there will certainly be a slew of cursing, profanity, and name calling. I mean, it takes a really special kind of idiot to just stop, right in the way of me and the rest of Walmart-humanity. So why can’t I use that time to really call you out? Remind you just what fiber of moron you really are made of. Don’t consider it hateful- consider it me honoring you and your lack of gray matter. You win the prize- best idiot at fucking up my movement! Think of it as if Bruce Lee and Lewis Black becoming one and publicly humiliating putting you in your place. If it happens, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Shazam!
Wa-pow!
So please, fair Walmart shopper, how come you have a habit of always getting in my way, without fail, every time I enter the store? Why haven’t you grasped that you could simply move to the side, out of my way, or perhaps go hide out in an aisle to fix your lipstick schmears or broken purse zipper? You live in America- we have public school requirements here! Come on! You don’t need to understand bioluminescence to know how to move.
Let me ask you one more time: What is wrong with you?
A little advice...
If I had it my way, I think I would push your cart with all my might so you have to waddle shamefully across the store to go get it.
Filed under: Rants & Ridiculousness, Uncategorized | Tags: failure, Get Him to the Greek, Jonah Hill, movie, P Diddy, Rant, review, Russell Brand, trailer
At the last minute, I decided to go see Get Him to the Greek.
My expectations were high. Jonah Hill is a riot, that rock star (played by Russell Brand) looked wacky, and P. Diddy is the ultimate twist of strange. (Anyone who can bitch about pie at four in the morning is probably worth listening to.) In short, even beyond the actors, Get Him to the Greek had all the elements that a funny movie needs to be funny.
But when it came down to it, all those elements did not add up to anything funny or memorable.
P. Diddy seemed like he was just buggin’ out the whole time. He was doing blow, or something to that effect.
Jonah Hill got rapped up in the romance aspect of the whole movie. (Frankly, the romance ties could’ve been removed entirely, and there would be significant improvement.)
Russell Brand was weird, but not necessarily weird enough.
The plot really lacked. Beyond the partying, there really wasn’t much.
I was thoroughly disappointed.
I thought this was going to be better than Superbad, if not the new Superbad! But it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Maybe Superbad can’t be replaced. But even so, Get Him to the Greek was still a let down. I had high hopes.
This movie was a C plus, at best.
Why are trailers false time after time? And why do I always buy the crap they sling at me?
Anyone for a Jeffrey?
Filed under: Rants & Ridiculousness | Tags: drive, failure, Falmouth, katieism, letters, quirks, Rant
Dear Tourist (in particular, you, that Cape Cod tourist)-
Someone knows how I feel.
Please use your head while driving a motor vehicle.
This is asked of you always in life, but it is especially asked of you when you are driving in front of me.
When I need to get to work or somewhere on time, it is painful to tailgate the entire way there. Cows chew grass faster than you drive. And remember in driving school? When someone tailgates you, move to the right or speed the fuck up.
It infuriates me to see a coach bus filled with chipper old people snapping photographs crawling down a back road to get a good look at the beach. No buses should be clogging the beach roads. Main Street? 28? Go for it. But please, don’t make me look like such an ass for roaring by in the left lane to get away from you. You’re in the wrong place, not me.
Remember basic driving etiquette: be judicious in blinker usage. Don’t turn too slowly. Don’t cut me, or anyone, off. Don’t pretend like you didn’t know you couldn’t park there. Don’t drive slower than the speed limit. Don’t create congestion and don’t act drive like a fool.
Like I said, please use your head while driving a motor vehicle.
Sincerely,
Katherine
PS-Please be considerate when you visit my beach. (Yes, it is my beach. I go there in the winter when there is snow on the ground, and I even clean the place up. It’s mine.) Don’t smoke or leave your trash in the sand. Don’t bring crying babies. Don’t be obnoxious, invade my space, or hog all the seaweed-free sand. Don’t play football when there isn’t any room. Be polite, you idiot.
Filed under: Disney Chronicles | Tags: Disney, Disney World, failure, pins, Rant, souvenirs, trading, travel, vacation
Disney isn’t exactly quiet about the ways it tries to take your money. Park tickets alone are exorbitant, never mind the food, the pictures, or anything else in those conveniently placed gift shops.
But my favorite, or least favorite, way Disney tries to rip you off/steal your money would be the pin swapping.
Talk about ridiculousness.
While I can understand how a pin might hold some sentimental value of a trip or memory or whatever, the pin I am thinking of does NOT cost $7.99, and certainly not $15.99! That pin also would not increase in coolness or sentimentality or my sense of happiness just because there are more pins around it.
The trading aspect of the pins is a little bit cool, no lies, however there is a sucker born every minute. People shell out lots of cash for those little pins! To what? Wear them on a lanyard? Show off to your nerdy friends? Use in your LARP? Let’s be honest, those damn pins are as, if not more, useless than the Mickey Ears. (At least the ears are good for Halloween costumes!)
As stupid, wasteful, and expensive as those pins are, on my vacation, I was drawn to them, because, well, they were everywhere! Seemingly every store carried pins of characters of every show, film, or media. Even the Jonas Brothers had a couple pins!! So I took pictures of the cool ones, or the ones I would spend my Monopoly money on.
After all, shouldn’t we all bring out our inner nerd?
Surprised this hasn't been a more highly marketed phrase.
Known accomplices: "Ryan Nerd Werner"
Ladies and gentlemen, this must be a joke.
Filed under: Rants & Ridiculousness, Senioritis, Uncategorized | Tags: books, breakfast, failure, free, ice cream, life, Lists, shoes
So my checking account is down to the $16.00 mark.
Yes, that’s one-six, sixteen, as in the age you can drive a car.
It was at $26.00 this morning, but I had to put $10 in my tank. But that’s life I suppose.
Lately, it has been very easy for me to think of reasons TO spend my money, as opposed to reasons why I should NOT spend my money (other than the fact that I DON’T HAVE ANY.) So I thought I would share them with you.
- Breakfast. I have a real weak spot for breakfast, and food in general. I love going out to breakfast, reading the paper, talking with people, chowing down on a nice, steamy omelet. Mmmm. I can taste that buttered toast and home fries now. But breakfast is about $10 every time I go out. Did I mention that mug of coffee is real endearing too?
- Gasoline. It seems like I always have an empty tank. Really, it’s less like news and more like… well, life.
- Shoes. I would love a new pair of summer shoes. I want a modified boat shoe. I think boat shoes are hideous, but I like their slip-on comfort. My madras slides are a little too yippity. I own one pair of Vans. They seem like the next best thing before flats or flip flops. I found a pair I really liked, Tretorn is all out. We’ll see how it all goes down. Hopefully Payless will have something more in my income bracket.
- Beads. For some reason, I have been really craving making a new little bracelet for myself. I really dig this one my girlfriend got me from Italia. I think it could use a friend. Or maybe in an ideal world, this one.
- A gym membership. For obvious reasons. And why the hell not? I enjoy watching other people sweat while I attempt to show off how fast I can run on that elliptical.
- Books. Whenever I go to a bookstore or coffee shop, or even Anthropologie, I always find a book I like or want or need or just can’t seem to put down. And I buy it. And 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t get read until months later. I have accumulated quite a stack of brand new paperback novels that haven’t even been fingered. But I love owning books. It’s really a terrible, terrible habit.
- Ice Cream. What can I say? Kimball Farm is like crack. Actually, it’s better than crack or any other illegal drug. I swear God pees in that ice cream cooker while they are making it. That is why it tastes so good.
- Freedom. Hello, yes, my name is Katie and I would like to buy my freedom. Mind helping me out? Yeah, I have toyed with the idea of renting my own place and moving out and whatnot, and now is the time.. although I don’t know if that will actually happen or not. We’ll see. It would be so very lovely to have some space for a while. It makes me feel bad for all those people trying to get into Arizona. Shit man, I know how you feel.
Katie
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: baking, Cake Bible, chocolate, cupcakes, failure
Last night, I completely botched a batch of cupcakes.
I was devastated.
I mean, they were so bad, that I threw them all away.
I was using the Chocolate Genoise cake recipe from the Cake Bible, which literally is the Bible. Fucking French recipes.
I have never actually baked something and had it completely flop like that. I have never experimented with a new recipe and had to chuck the entire thing. Things usually turn out perfect, or nearly perfect, or at least I am content with the outcome.
So now I am determined to master this recipe. I mean, things started out well. The aroma from me boiling chocolate was unreal. The house still smells delightful.
Here are some other goals that I have for the next month:
-skip a day of school and go into Boston with Allan
-learn to make a pizza at work
-lose five pounds
-buy some clothes that are acceptable for my internship
-make it to DECA Nationals
-go swimming in the ocean
-find a place
-find a date to prom (or a prom dress or figure if I even want to go)
-read a good book
TGIF,
Katie
